Thursday, March 10, 2011

History repeating itself...

I am fairly certain there are few things as painful as watching your child make the same mistakes you made. It is a feeling of such helplessness and fear...such sadness. She is making a huge mistake and I can only watch it happen and pray that she realizes what is happening much quicker than I did.

Nothing I say will change what she fact...I must be careful NOT to say anything to create the reverse effect - I don't want to push her toward the problem.

You know what the worst part is? I now fully comprehend the pain I put my own mother through all those years ago - when she watched me stumble down this road. My mother tried and tried to get me to open my eyes to the glaring truth that was in front of me to no avail. My grandmother wrote me long, heart-felt letters and cut out newspaper article trying to show me what I was doing in a round-about way. None of it worked. In fact...the harder they tried the more determined I became to prove them all wrong and make it work.

It took me 12 years to realize that they had been right all along and another six to do something about it. Even then I didn't fully understand the depth of the mistake I had made until my grandmother hugged me tightly and said "Welcome back! You've been gone a long time girl!" I vowed to NEVER let that happen again.

Now I am watching my beautiful daughter disappear at the hands of her "mistake." I did tell her - one time - that what she is allowing this mistake to do is wrong and that she is worth so much more...she ignored me. I have now retreated and resorted to begging the Universe to send her mistake down a very different path - one that does not include my daughter.

I called my mom a few nights ago to vent and voice my concerns about what is happening...and she said "It's hard isn't it?" the reality of the pain I had put my mother through slammed into me with such force I was unable to respond for a bit. I apologized to her (for the gazillionth time) and she added, "It's a fine line this game we have to play. You can't keep telling her. We just have to pray she is safe and that she will wake up and realize that she is beautiful and talented and worth so much more than what she is settling for." SIGH I really hate it when my mom is right - but she is - most of the time. ;)

For now I pray, and make myself available to listen or offer advice when asked...for now I wait and I watch. I hope it doesn't take my girl 18 years to make a change.