MMXI

I am looking forward to the New Year with much Hope and Anticipation!

The past twelve months have been packed full...emotions running the gamut from joy to sorrow. Many goals were checked off the list and a few new ones added. A new baby joined our family. I got to add a few letters after my name...and put the books away for a while. One of my "babies" donned a cap and gown...another gained the independence of wheels...time is flying by.

However, if you were to ask me to name one day this year that stands out among the rest I wouldn't hesitate to tell you it was August 30th. On that day a door that had long been closed opened wide and shined light on a corner of my soul that had long been darkened. That day marked the beginning of an incredible journey that has amazed me every step of the way...a journey that (as far as I can tell) will continue for many years to come.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Four months ago I was "fed up." I had come to the end of my proverbial rope and had me a little sit-down with the Universe. Quite literally I told the Universe what I thought about the current state of affairs in my life. I laid out an ultimatum. To my surprise...the Universe answered me the very next day.


I made some serious judgement errors a couple years back with my personal life. Ever since that time I'd been dealing with some pretty crummy "luck" in my social life...I chalked it up to "Bad Karma" and assumed that I would, at some point, pay back my Karmic Debt and move on. There just didn't seem to be an end in sight!


The future looked so bleak that I decided to "give up" the hunt for my proverbial soul-mate and just settle for whomever came into my life...something is better than nothing...right?


Several months of that left me feeling even more hopeless and depressed. That was when I decided to lay it on the line with the Universe...to basically *inform* the Universe that I was tired of the games and ready for answers. Send me The Guy or distract me completely with something totally different....That was on a Sunday evening - what happened next blew my socks off.


Monday morning - first thing - I received a notification of a friend request on Facebook...from a man that I had actually tried to find a few months earlier with no luck. This man was an old friend...someone I had known - had a crush on in the 8th grade...someone I dated off-and-on in high school. I clicked on the link and there he was...remnants of the boy I knew - the same sparkling eyes and brilliant smile attached to a more mature man. My heart began to race...I literally said "NO WAY!" out loud.


Recalling the request I made of the Universe the night before I immediately wondered if this could be it...could this man be my soul-mate?

Time

During recent visits to the farthest reaches of my memory I learned something about myself. The mistakes I make, the quirks in my personality, the things that drive me crazy....have *always* been there. Time has not managed to erase or alter much of what has been the essence of "me" since the moment I was created. Which is, I supposed, not a bad thing in and of itself. At least I'm consistent right?

These strolls down Memory Lane have also stirred up some things - both good and not-so-good (mostly good though). It's funny to realize that the reason I say a certain thing or like a certain song is rooted in an event from 25 years ago - that while nothing has stayed the same...nothing has really changed.

One of my favorite sayings goes like this: "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

By taking inventory of the people that have come into my life I can easily label them as "quick goers" or "footprint leavers". It's not a difficult thing to determine. People either make a lasting impression upon us, or they don't. Those that make the deepest most indelible marks are the ones that don't realize what they are doing - these are the people we need to cherish and hold dear always.

Here's the trillion dollar question: If you could go back in time and change one thing what would it be? This little game of "what if..." is one that I've played many times within the confines of my thoughts. It's an interesting thought isn't it? Would we do things differently if we really could travel back? Of course, I'd like to ensure that I get to keep my current level of knowledge and information intact during this momentous journey - what good would it be to go back and have the exact same set of facts? I used to think I knew exactly what I would change - now, I'm not so sure.

It's the proverbial "If I only knew then what I know now" situation. The bottom line is that we can't travel back in time - we have travelled forward to the here and now and we must continue on a forward path. We've all made our choices and we've suffered (or enjoyed) the consequences. We have been wounded and done our best to heal. We daily tend the scars left by the battles we've fought. Often we are picking up pieces of ourselves and reattaching them in the best way we know how.

Revisiting myself as a young girl (via diaries, photos and conversations with an old friend) has been a journey of gratitude. The make up of my inner circle has not changed much in the past 25 years (neither has my hand writing for that matter), I still worry about the same things and I'm still wrong most of the time :) I am grateful for this insight into what makes me tick. The Universe saw fit to place a mirror of self-rediscovery infront of me in the form of an old friend...even as I hurled angry questions toward the very source of this gift, this gratitude. Like it says above: some people come into our lives...leave footprints on our hearts...and we are never, ever the same.

How To Be Alone

What We Want

"I just don't know what I want."

This statement is usually voiced when one is at a crossroads and faced with making a choice. Often this choice involves another person. I've used this statement myself in the past. Very recently, however, I have come to the realization that this statement is, in fact, a lie.

The truth is that we all know what we want. The real problem is we don't want to face the reality of what that "knowing" means.

Reality is this: we all want the same thing - to be accepted and loved for who we are - without condition and without exception.

This is a problem, because for this to happen we must acknowledge and accept our True Self and allow another person access - complete access - to that Self. This makes us vulnerable and being vulnerable is scary!

Telling another person that the reason for your choice to (select one: not date, play the field, or some other variation on the theme) is that you "really don't know what you want right now" is, in essence, refusing to trust that person - denying them access to your heart, your soul and, ultimately, your Self.

Why do we do this? What is it we are so afraid of? Is it the fear that once we let them in they will take a good look at who we really are and burst out laughing - point, stare, and cackle "Nevermind!" as they run as fast as their feet will carry them in the opposite direction? Probably...but...what if? What if they look around - take in the sights and sounds and then pause. What if they turn back to look us in the eye and say: "Wow...it's nice to finally meet YOU."?!?! Then what?

Does the fear then shift to another plane? Is it a fear of now being given access to the other person's Self? Are we afraid that we may not like their True Self? That we might, after all is said and done, do to them what we feared they would do to us?

I speak from experience when I say: This is no way to live! We cannot go around fearing all the time. There is a point when the fear itself becomes the issue. Protect yourself and be smart about whom you grant full access to - yes! But, we cannot find happiness if we are always denying access to the people who come into our lives and request it.

Honestly...if someone is requesting access...they already have a pretty good idea of who you are. By the time you realize they are requesting access to your Self - you should have a good grasp on their Self as well (if you've been paying attention).

It is important that we take the time to look within, to take inventory of who we really are. Take a good, long look in the mirror and face the reality of what, no...of who is staring back. Understand your Self. Accept that who you are is perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the next person to look you in the eyes and genuinely request access to your Self won't be denied. Imagine the possibilities.

If you really knew me...

...you would know that at the age of 40 I am still afraid of failing, of rejection.

What If...

Do you ever play the "What if..." game? You know...the one where you think about the choices you've made, the decisions that led you to where you are today - and what might change if you could go back and choose differently?! That game.

I do...all the time. The problem is...I can't seem to figure out how to keep the "good parts" while altering the parts that I wish hadn't happened...the proverbial "bad parts."

It is impossible to create a scenario that eliminates the "bad" without also taking away the best parts of me - my babies. They are the only part of the "bad" that is...good.

If I remove that part of the equation it can be an exciting game: What if I'd stayed home that night? What if I hadn't broken up with him? What if I'd insisted on staying in college when I was 18? What if I had recognized abuse when it first reared it's ugly head? What if I'd walked away instead of getting married so early, so young? What if....?

Crying in the shower

When I was a little girl and upset about something, my mom made me go take a shower. It didn't take long before I understood the method to her madness...I ALWAYS felt better after a good, hot shower. In fact, as a teenager it would make me even angier when she said "Go take a shower!" because I recognized it as an attempt to defuse the situation.

It would be many more years before I realized there were other benefits to taking a long, hot shower when I am upset. Once the children were old enough not to need my undivided attention showers were an escape. I could usually go there and not be disturbed - usually.

Soon I realized that nobody seemed to noticed if I had been crying while in the shower. The sound of the water masked my sobs and the shower's heat made my face red so it wasn't obvious that my cheeks were tear-stained. The very nature of the shower disguised the tell-tale signs of a crying jag.

Over the next several years I would employ the "I need to go take a shower" escape whenever I felt the need to step back from the realities of my marriage and the stressors of family. I would retreat to the solace of the flowing water to wash away that stress and the tears.

To this day I cry in the shower whenever I need to - without shame - without caring if anyone hears me. I've learned that keeping the tears inside does far more damage then letting somone know you are upset enough to cry.

Step One: Admit you have a problem

At the age of 36 I filed for divorce after 16 1/2 years of marriage. When asked to check a box to give a reason I chose "irreconcilable differences." Understatement of the decade as far as I was concerned. "Broken beyond repair" would have been a better choice.

How did things get that bad? Let's begin at the beginning shall we?

I met the man I would eventually marry when I was 17. We worked for the same company and saw each other several times each week. He wore a leather jacket to work everyday...I remember the leather jacket vividly. I noticed him right away, but was quickly distracted by another co-worker who (being much closer to my age) asked me out one Saturday night. I dated the younger guy for 4 months...I broke it off when he began to exhibit signs of possessiveness and control that freaked me out.

That summer I graduated from high school and turned 18...and began hanging out with the "older men" at work. The age difference was only 5 or 6 years, but at the age of (barely) 18 a 24-year-old guy seems *much* older. Besides, I was legally an adult - no one could tell me with whom I could or couldn't associate - right?

Our first date wasn't really a date - we went with a group to watch a fireworks show. The next evening a few of us watched old Vietnam movies - the difference was that he picked me up to drive me there....and he was driving me home...but we didn't go straight home. That was the beginning.

My family and close friends tell me that it was only a matter weeks before I started to change. They say it was like "the real me" disappeared and I became someone entirely different. My mom says it was like I was "under his spell." I lied about where I was so I could spend more and more time with him. Eventually, I dropped out of college after a long talk we had about "our future together" effectively putting my life-long dream of becoming a nurse on hold. This occurred soon after we moved in together - and had our first major fight.

There were many red flags. I ignored them all. Why? I wish I knew. We argued a lot. Yelling was a regular part of most days. My good friends stuck by me and did their level best to get me to see the mistake I was making. One time they even took me to see an old boyfriend under the guise of "going to lunch"...I hesitated...for just a second...but the "spell" was too strong.

We were married just 6 days after my 20th birthday. My mother tried to stop the wedding - while we were in the church - I kid you not! My dad cried...I've only seen him cry one other time - when my parents informed my brother and me that they were separating...it was bad. I'm pretty sure that bets were placed regarding how long our marriage would last.

There was one problem: I loved him.

OK...so there were two problems: I thought I could change him.

Introduction

Four years ago I made a decision that drastically changed my life. In essence, I stopped walking along the path I was on and consciously chose to begin walking down a different path entirely. It was a painful, but necessary, process...one in which I learned the true meaning of the saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

It has been a tough journey thus far, but I have no regrets. This blog is my attempt at sharing my journey...my rediscovery of self...my joys and my sorrows. It is a way to share my experiences while working through the lessons I've gained along the way.