"I just don't know what I want."
This statement is usually voiced when one is at a crossroads and faced with making a choice. Often this choice involves another person. I've used this statement myself in the past. Very recently, however, I have come to the realization that this statement is, in fact, a lie.
The truth is that we all know what we want. The real problem is we don't want to face the reality of what that "knowing" means.
Reality is this: we all want the same thing - to be accepted and loved for who we are - without condition and without exception.
This is a problem, because for this to happen we must acknowledge and accept our True Self and allow another person access - complete access - to that Self. This makes us vulnerable and being vulnerable is scary!
Telling another person that the reason for your choice to (select one: not date, play the field, or some other variation on the theme) is that you "really don't know what you want right now" is, in essence, refusing to trust that person - denying them access to your heart, your soul and, ultimately, your Self.
Why do we do this? What is it we are so afraid of? Is it the fear that once we let them in they will take a good look at who we really are and burst out laughing - point, stare, and cackle "Nevermind!" as they run as fast as their feet will carry them in the opposite direction? Probably...but...what if? What if they look around - take in the sights and sounds and then pause. What if they turn back to look us in the eye and say: "Wow...it's nice to finally meet YOU."?!?! Then what?
Does the fear then shift to another plane? Is it a fear of now being given access to the other person's Self? Are we afraid that we may not like their True Self? That we might, after all is said and done, do to them what we feared they would do to us?
I speak from experience when I say: This is no way to live! We cannot go around fearing all the time. There is a point when the fear itself becomes the issue. Protect yourself and be smart about whom you grant full access to - yes! But, we cannot find happiness if we are always denying access to the people who come into our lives and request it.
Honestly...if someone is requesting access...they already have a pretty good idea of who you are. By the time you realize they are requesting access to your Self - you should have a good grasp on their Self as well (if you've been paying attention).
It is important that we take the time to look within, to take inventory of who we really are. Take a good, long look in the mirror and face the reality of what, no...of who is staring back. Understand your Self. Accept that who you are is perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the next person to look you in the eyes and genuinely request access to your Self won't be denied. Imagine the possibilities.