These are big things.
Lately, I’ve been working on forgiving someone. It hasn’t
been easy. Actually, it’s really effing hard!
It’s not that this person needs me to pronounce forgiveness
upon them to release them from what occurred. No, this is not about the other
person. This is all about me.
*I* need to forgive this person for my own well-being and
healing. Holding on to it - allowing “it” to fester is not doing me one bit of
good – the opposite in fact.
But – I am having a hard time with the actually “forgiving”
because…NO! (stomps feet in protest) This person hurt me in a humongous
and very painful – I-almost-didn’t-come-out-on-the-other-side - way!
I wear it like a badge: “Look at me! I was wronged!”
The bitterness took root a long time ago and has been firmly
in place for many years now. What good has it done me? Not a damned bit!
All it has done is allow me to use the “pain” and “hurt” to
justify my actions (or lack thereof) and to give me a platform from which to
throw flaming arrows when all else fails.
It has shaped how I respond in certain situations and
governed my point-of-view.
I understand that it has to stop, that the time has come to
pull the bitter weed. The soil in which it thrived has been fouled. It will need
to be nurtured to allow good things to grow - things that will benefit and edify,
not tear down and belittle.
However….
Understanding does not equal ability. Not by a long-shot.
This is going to require much
work on my part to release the demons that I have allowed to live - rent free -
in my heart, soul and mind for a long while now.
Evicting them won’t be an easy task.
They have remodeled, added built-in bookcases, invited
family to move in and have generally trashed the place.
There will be much work to do even after they are gone. Tearing
down of walls and repairing of foundational structures – just to start.
It is work that needs to be done. I will have to remind
myself often that Rome was not built in a day. When my tendency to channel Verruca
Salt kicks in, I will need to forgive myself and trust in the process.
Learning to forgive (others as well as myself) is part of my Journey. This is not an
easy lesson for me. If you look behind me you’ll see drag marks where I dug in
my heels – over and over again.
The time has come to let go – learn the lesson – gain the
wisdom and move on. I am certain that the next lesson is waiting just around the bend.
